Friday, May 19, 2006

you come into my darkness
just to sleep all day
we end up laughing through the pain
satisfying this
exceptional ache
below my
with your perilous disease
losing yourself in this hunger that i bring
resilient shells of fire
high off our own desire
one more day

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

the panic is still today...i poured it into you today
i took from moment...and the rest of your life at the same time
it smelled like the darkest part of your soul
watery and musk
it felt hard and metallic
beyond these walls
beyond this world
the defect unseen but deep and open
for the next panic

Saturday, May 13, 2006

this space~
i started young
this closing in
closing down
making my world smaller so i could cope
taking things away
editing my life
the evil
the cause
for my despair
i'm left now with few
of the things i was running from
reality so small it makes me squeamish to be in it
entangled and abandoned
in this space

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

sullen news
i want it all so quickly it stings
when it hits
ignites fury
when it sinks in
i should have let you tell me slowly
over days
but no
i wanted all of it
every last bit
until i could not breath
or move
until i pounded my fists on your chest
my black tears dirtying your shirt
begging you to take it back
the words
the wretched news
you sat there having emptied your soul
core now dark and faded
feeling like you had just executed
in your white bed
where the stains are now
the ones you can't conceal or sanitize
can't reject
so you enshroud yourself in them
and want me to follow
i will
your sallow skin says it all
it speaks of your desire
your unsoundness and greed
i swallow it down
delighted to have any part of you at all
satisfied to have tasted anything real from your barren soul
left wanting more

Monday, May 08, 2006

the terror chases me
heavy footed and grim
it hits me often
in waves
and floods
i ignore the pain in my chest
the urge to scream
i hold back the deep sense of loss
for i know it is but a
tiny drop
compared to the torment you can inflict

Saturday, May 06, 2006

blame me~
blame me for falling apart
for being sad and sold
blame me for not paying attention
for looking the other way
for passing you in the darkness
blame me for hurting
for stripping away the years
and hiding from the truth
the beauty
for not asking questions
and playing the victim
egging you on
blame me for letting the rain fall through my hands
for the way your heart aches
the nights you feel alone
the nights you are alone
blame me

Thursday, May 04, 2006

i should learn to let go
the quiet
vivid chaos of the last time i saw you
my heart smashed and bleeding into the filth
the obscenity you passed onto me with out even knowing
the indecency you spread to others with your glance
it stills me...on days i should move
on days i should be myself
perpetually i pull from somewhere the memories of
sanguine moments
hateful screams
punishment brutal to my soul
in the hours i should be breathing in the moist ever ready softness of life
still dream those occasions
even awake
it breaks me

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

within decaying senses
my mind bleeds
raw knees
sore teeth
you taunt me
words like venom
lashing me with their jagged edges
blasting off the smattering of self
in this rancid shell of devotion
before you
my keeper

Monday, May 01, 2006

The sky was ever blue. So were you. Nothing would soothe it, this desire to cease. This yearning to die.
You smelled of it. It dripped from every pore of your putrid exploited body. It ran onto every thing you touched. Everything you clung to.
I loved your self hatred because it was all I knew of you. But it hurt to the very core to worship the martyrdom. To see it eat at your soul and exploit you time and time again. It has never left me.
You were ever blue.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Beneath this there is more. There is a screaming vile nobody. A sick twisted piece of nothing
I left you standing alone in the center of the train.
I dropped you off, late at night just to get away.
Your face was blank your hands cold.
You didn't try to stop me, you just hung your head and said "please".
This time I wouldn't be back.
This time I would disappear.
I'm not afraid how you will live.
I'm afraid of how you'll be.
don't scream~
Don't scream.
Bright yellow light beats into my eyes.
Hot heavy flesh on my face.
I can hear the others laughing. Playing. Singing.
I dig at the floor trying to escape.
Don't scream.
My heart is going to explode,I'm sure of it. And this will all be over. It doesn't. I pray for my lungs to stop working and this will all be dark. They don't. Breath, breath, breath.
The steady stream of terror. The dreams of demons. The fear of falling. The hatred of what you are. The fear of what I'll become. Blood. Fresh. Dripping. Mixed. Sweat. Tears.
Running from what I am.
Don't scream.
Always secrets.
A vague notion of who you are.
Believable little stories of good.
I begged you for the truth. I needed it. I knew it. I craved it. I breathed it.
I saw it without you saying a word.
You lied.
I saw you today. Toothless, dirty, hungry, dying. I dared not look into your eyes. This shell. This empty person with nothing.
Are you cold?
You lay there. Gone. Arms cut and bleeding. Slices of your skin cut away by your own hand. I stand there and stare at this person, my mother, lying in her own filth and turmoil. You are breathing steadily, almost peaceful. Your cuts are superficial, the screaming for attention kind. The kind you make when you have run out of ways to express your grief. The same as what feels like a thousand times before this. I want to kick you. I want to pull your hair and scream in your face. Instead, I sit and hold your head, stroke your hair, tell you everything is going to be ok. To weak and alone to do anything else.
You look up at me. Your eyes empty begging black holes. Only able to feel your own pain, only able to suffer your own loss and anguish. Nothing else matters to you right now in this moment but making your own pain go away. You can't see the pain I am in, 12 years old holding my bleeding mother on the dirty bathroom floor. You don't see the terror in my eyes. You don't hear it in my voice. Nothing matters in this moment but you. Nothing matters at all but you.
I haven't forgotten
I lost you.
Without warning you were gone.
You left after you sucked every bit of who I am from my soul and used it to fill your own.
It sounded like a thousand bombs in my head when it happened, my ears were ringing for days.
You left me naked and cold and dieing.
Alone. Cold. Sick. Black. Bleeding.
Gaping wounds, filled with all the promises, lies, heartbreak and the sickening memories of flesh and sex and darkness.
The memories drip. They bubble forth like rivers of silt filled water. Leaving a thin film of dirty, gritty, gray earth inside my head. I think if I sit still long enough they'll go away. If I hide, stuff, numb, sleep, come, consume, fill, waste, conceal they'll leave me.
I kicked hot ash and sand in your face today. It felt so good to make you itch and burn and squirm. To watch you spit and cry and beg.
Nobody was there to save you.
You looked so pathetic laying there, arms above your head trying to deflect my blows. What? You can't fucking hurt me now? Now that I am stronger than you. You shriveled up old man. Breath in the hot sand and fire, feel it burn your lungs and make you cough and gag. Now you know how I felt.
you think I'm not yours
and that I can't feel you breathing down the back of my neck
for one more taste
one more bite of my soul
one more smell of my hair.
you think I don't see you pushing your sickening flesh into some one else
wishing it was me
hoping it will fill the void
the deep hollow crevice I delivered when I died
when I succumbed to the distortion
the lies
the truth
I know you are there
I hear you in every step and word and breath and sigh
every day
every moment
I'm yours
intense darkness slammed into me
settling itself deep within the keenness of my smile
swiftly freeing me into the ache and misery where I dwell
into the shallowness of living numb to my delusion
numb to the pain
to touch the ache discovers fire and ice jammed roughly through my body
ribbons of my flesh picked apart by crows
freshly cut raw meat hanging the the wind
where you can still here the screams
the struggles
the tears
where you can still smell the anguish