soothe~
you come into my darkness
just to sleep all day
we end up laughing through the pain
satisfying this
exceptional ache
below my
breast
bone
with your perilous disease
you
losing yourself in this hunger that i bring
resilient shells of fire
high off our own desire
blank
true
one more day
soothe

panic~
the panic is still today...i poured it into you today
i took from you...one moment...and the rest of your life at the same time
it smelled like the darkest part of your soul
watery and musk
it felt hard and metallic
beyond these walls
beyond this world
the defect unseen but deep and open
waiting
for the next panic

this space~
i started young
this closing in
closing down
making my world smaller so i could cope
taking things away
editing my life
words
people
friendship
time
the evil
the cause
for my despair
fear
i'm left now with few
reminders
of the things i was running from
reality so small it makes me squeamish to be in it
entangled and abandoned
in this space

news~
sullen news
i want it all so quickly it stings
when it hits
ignites fury
when it sinks in
i should have let you tell me slowly
over days
but no
i wanted all of it
every last bit
until i could not breath
or move
until i pounded my fists on your chest
my black tears dirtying your shirt
begging you to take it back
the words
the wretched news
you sat there having emptied your soul
core now dark and faded
feeling like you had just executed
me
in your white bed
where the stains are now
the ones you can't conceal or sanitize
can't reject
so you enshroud yourself in them
and want me to follow
i will

depleted~
your sallow skin says it all
it speaks of your desire
your unsoundness and greed
i swallow it down
delighted to have any part of you at all
satisfied to have tasted anything real from your barren soul
left wanting more
depleted

terror~

the terror chases me
heavy footed and grim
it hits me often
in waves
and floods
i ignore the pain in my chest
the urge to scream
i hold back the deep sense of loss
for i know it is but a
tiny drop
compared to the torment you can inflict

blame me~

blame me for falling apart
for being sad and sold
blame me for not paying attention
for looking the other way
for passing you in the darkness
blame me for hurting
for stripping away the years
and hiding from the truth
the beauty
faith
for not asking questions
and playing the victim
egging you on
blame me for letting the rain fall through my hands
for the way your heart aches
the nights you feel alone
the nights you are alone
blame me

dream~
i should learn to let go
the quiet
vivid chaos of the last time i saw you
my heart smashed and bleeding into the filth
the obscenity you passed onto me with out even knowing
the indecency you spread to others with your glance
it stills me...on days i should move
on days i should be myself
perpetually i pull from somewhere the memories of
sanguine moments
hateful screams
punishment brutal to my soul
in the hours i should be breathing in the moist ever ready softness of life
i
still dream those occasions
even awake
it breaks me

caged~
caged
within decaying senses
my mind bleeds
raw knees
sore teeth
you taunt me
words like venom
lashing me with their jagged edges
blasting off the smattering of self
left
in this rancid shell of devotion
before you
my keeper

blue~
The sky was ever blue. So were you. Nothing would soothe it, this desire to cease. This yearning to die.
You smelled of it. It dripped from every pore of your putrid exploited body. It ran onto every thing you touched. Everything you clung to.
I loved your self hatred because it was all I knew of you. But it hurt to the very core to worship the martyrdom. To see it eat at your soul and exploit you time and time again. It has never left me.
You were ever blue.