Sunday, April 30, 2006

Beneath this there is more. There is a screaming vile nobody. A sick twisted piece of nothing
I left you standing alone in the center of the train.
I dropped you off, late at night just to get away.
Your face was blank your hands cold.
You didn't try to stop me, you just hung your head and said "please".
This time I wouldn't be back.
This time I would disappear.
I'm not afraid how you will live.
I'm afraid of how you'll be.
don't scream~
Don't scream.
Bright yellow light beats into my eyes.
Hot heavy flesh on my face.
I can hear the others laughing. Playing. Singing.
I dig at the floor trying to escape.
Don't scream.
My heart is going to explode,I'm sure of it. And this will all be over. It doesn't. I pray for my lungs to stop working and this will all be dark. They don't. Breath, breath, breath.
The steady stream of terror. The dreams of demons. The fear of falling. The hatred of what you are. The fear of what I'll become. Blood. Fresh. Dripping. Mixed. Sweat. Tears.
Running from what I am.
Don't scream.
Always secrets.
A vague notion of who you are.
Believable little stories of good.
I begged you for the truth. I needed it. I knew it. I craved it. I breathed it.
I saw it without you saying a word.
You lied.
I saw you today. Toothless, dirty, hungry, dying. I dared not look into your eyes. This shell. This empty person with nothing.
Are you cold?
You lay there. Gone. Arms cut and bleeding. Slices of your skin cut away by your own hand. I stand there and stare at this person, my mother, lying in her own filth and turmoil. You are breathing steadily, almost peaceful. Your cuts are superficial, the screaming for attention kind. The kind you make when you have run out of ways to express your grief. The same as what feels like a thousand times before this. I want to kick you. I want to pull your hair and scream in your face. Instead, I sit and hold your head, stroke your hair, tell you everything is going to be ok. To weak and alone to do anything else.
You look up at me. Your eyes empty begging black holes. Only able to feel your own pain, only able to suffer your own loss and anguish. Nothing else matters to you right now in this moment but making your own pain go away. You can't see the pain I am in, 12 years old holding my bleeding mother on the dirty bathroom floor. You don't see the terror in my eyes. You don't hear it in my voice. Nothing matters in this moment but you. Nothing matters at all but you.
I haven't forgotten
I lost you.
Without warning you were gone.
You left after you sucked every bit of who I am from my soul and used it to fill your own.
It sounded like a thousand bombs in my head when it happened, my ears were ringing for days.
You left me naked and cold and dieing.
Alone. Cold. Sick. Black. Bleeding.
Gaping wounds, filled with all the promises, lies, heartbreak and the sickening memories of flesh and sex and darkness.
The memories drip. They bubble forth like rivers of silt filled water. Leaving a thin film of dirty, gritty, gray earth inside my head. I think if I sit still long enough they'll go away. If I hide, stuff, numb, sleep, come, consume, fill, waste, conceal they'll leave me.
I kicked hot ash and sand in your face today. It felt so good to make you itch and burn and squirm. To watch you spit and cry and beg.
Nobody was there to save you.
You looked so pathetic laying there, arms above your head trying to deflect my blows. What? You can't fucking hurt me now? Now that I am stronger than you. You shriveled up old man. Breath in the hot sand and fire, feel it burn your lungs and make you cough and gag. Now you know how I felt.
you think I'm not yours
and that I can't feel you breathing down the back of my neck
for one more taste
one more bite of my soul
one more smell of my hair.
you think I don't see you pushing your sickening flesh into some one else
wishing it was me
hoping it will fill the void
the deep hollow crevice I delivered when I died
when I succumbed to the distortion
the lies
the truth
I know you are there
I hear you in every step and word and breath and sigh
every day
every moment
I'm yours
intense darkness slammed into me
settling itself deep within the keenness of my smile
swiftly freeing me into the ache and misery where I dwell
into the shallowness of living numb to my delusion
numb to the pain
to touch the ache discovers fire and ice jammed roughly through my body
ribbons of my flesh picked apart by crows
freshly cut raw meat hanging the the wind
where you can still here the screams
the struggles
the tears
where you can still smell the anguish